Everything Crap

a symbol of change?

2008-10-11T17:54:00.000-07:00

While driving around the bustling metropolis of Kingsport, TN the other day, I noticed something quite odd. The logo for Wellmont Health Systems looks an awful lot like another famous logo that's been pooping up lately.

Voice of graphic designer as he's changing the wellmont logo; "so let's get rid of the points of light, they might think that is a reference to Islam or something. Make the ground a flag, because we love to trample it, and make it smoother like light jazz. Everyone loves light jazz. Oh man I love this job, it's too easy!"

When contacted for comment both parties declined stating that; "...even though there are similarities we are not the same. How anyone could confuse the logos is ridiculous. It's not like the two websites have people in the same pose too!"

hit refresh a few times if the woman doesn't appear

sick of jay walking bears, man takes matters into his own hands

2008-09-15T18:46:00.000-07:00

Jim Litz was out for a leisurely bike ride on Monday morning. While coasting down a hill he hit a rise in the road and suddenly spotted a bear only 10 feet in front of him. Without time to react Jim plowed into the bruin while traveling an est. 25 mph.

He tumbled over the handlebars, his helmet hit the bear's back and the two went cartwheeling down the road.

The 300-pound bear rolled over Litz's head, cracking his helmet, and scratched his back.

After a heated argument the two exchanged insurance information and the bear went scampering up a hill above the road.

Jim later realized that the bear's insurance information was bogus and is now having to make a claim on his own policy.

When asked if he regrets not calling the police Litz replied, "I should have been more suspicious when he handed me a piece of bark that smelled a lot like feces."

someone once known for something says something

2008-09-12T13:13:00.000-07:00

Recently, former "Baywatch" actress, Pamela Anderson was asked by an E! reporter if she'd seen the photo of Governor Sarah Palin, a proud hunter, with an animal fur in the background. Anderson, a vegetarian and gargantuan PETA supporter, responded, "I can't stand her!" She then rolled her eyes and went on to say, "She can suck it!" (I thought that’s what Pam was famous for)

Governor Palin's camp released a statement in response; "We are deeply troubled by the recent increase of attacks on Governor Palin's character. We ask that Hollywood council all celebrities, former celebrities, child actors, stand-up comedians and mimes to please refrain from making public statements, as it only increases the public’s perception that Hollywood is made up of bunch of liberal mouth flatulators.”

A Hollywood spokesperson replied several days later apologizing to Governor Palin stating, “We are sorry for the late reply and for the misunderstanding. We regret to inform you that Ms. Anderson has never officially been registered as a celebrity and thus we have no power over her. We suggest that you merely ignore her, as nobody has ever remembered anything that she’s ever said anyway.”

an inconvenient guilt

2007-11-29T17:47:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder what a carbon footprint is? I did, and I found this amazing website brought to you in part by Algore that helped me calculate exactly how guilty I should feel. After filling in a few simple questions about my car, home heating cost and how many trips I take a year, I found out that I’m an enormous pig. According to Algore, I’m belching out an amazing 15.5 metric tons of Co2 per year. I tried my best to get that CFP (carbon foot print) down to at least AVERAGE. But alas I consume one too many fourth meals for the Algore’s liking and have been labeled “much larger than average”. Rosie?

How can this be? I try to cut down on driving, I only buy recycled toilet paper, I can’t do anymore… and then I found the answer! (in an advertisement bar at the bottom of the page) NativeEnergy.com! YES, there is a way that I can continue to pollute and not worry about it’s effects on the earth. For a measly $180 (or $15 monthly), NativeEnergy.com will offset my gargantuan CFP. This amazing “company” claims to take all of my money and offset my CFP by paying for things like clean energy plants, solar panels, windmills, mulch piles and other forms of green. What’s more, they are all run by ~~naïve~~ native americans. What would we do without the indians?

I have found my new calling; I am going to start a green energy company, I will call it Greenron, and it shall be glorious. I will hire people with names like Jonny Bearcub Stiffarm (middle of the page) and wear bolo ties, lots of bolo ties. I will use words like “green” and “eco”. But most of all I will feel better about myself, I will count my much larger than average sacks of money and feel good that I am changing the world, one guilty idiot at a time.

Thank you Algore!

fit to read, this is not

2007-11-28T19:19:00.000-08:00

my fellow ~~illegal~~ Americans. I bring to you a new blog this day, one not of hope and dreams or great ideas, but one that will promise to be about anything, everything and nothing. I promise that this will be completely worthless and yet somewhat entertaining. I will be droll and yet still tasty. Happy, but not pompous, silly and stupid. It is in short... everything crap.

Enjoy...